I realize I posted this earlier, but I finally found the entire poem, and am re-posting. SO GOOD.

My heart feels so overwhelmed. I've become so bipolar because of him. When I came to school, I was outgoing and sweet, hoping to find someone. The someone I got was someone I never expected, and I feel so incredibly lucky. And though we have been together for two months, I still feel so nervous and jittery and on edge about our relationship. It is practically flawless and that in itself makes it flawed. I keep wondering whether there is something wrong...if he is saying something to get some sort of reaction out of me...whether he feels the same about me. Every single time I get a text from him or a call or any semblance of his presence, I feel so incredibly happy and my heart swells. My brain tells me that I am falling much much too fast, but I can't stop it. And every time I think of him, my brain and heart disagree and I end up falling into irrationality. I end up crying because I just can't rationalize an answer and I am constantly afraid that all of this is too good to be true. That he is so so amazing and how did I end up so lucky?! I did absolutely nothing to deserve someone like him. Is that why I am always scared? Do I feel that fate messed up and will somehow pull him away from me for no good reason? He is one of the best things I've ever had in my life and I don't want to let him go.

I'm angry at myself. For being so feeble and human and vulnerable. I was never like this before. I'm glad that I've learned what it feels like to be so unquestionably happy when I am with someone else, but still...before, I was much more the Miss Independent, and I feel like after this, that part of me will be unattainable. I was snappish at him through text today...because, well, I don't know why. My heart tells me I am mad at him. My brain tells me I am mad at myself. My heart is upset that he didn't text me all day or invite me over and that he didn't come see me yesterday...I've become too used to routine. Every Monday, I see him...and if I don't, I see him on Tuesdays, at least. But these 3 measly days have passed with no sign of him, and I've become incredibly on edge. THAT is why I am mad at myself. I keep telling myself that I don't need a boy. I don't need a boy to be around me constantly for myself to find something to do. But the thing is, now that he's become so a part of my life...I have no idea what I do without him...what I ever DID without him. Things that used to bring me amusement no longer seem so interesting. And nothing compares to being with him and having him hold me really close. I've discovered that I suddenly like company a lot more than I used to, when I'm not with him, the only thing that takes my mind off of him are other people. And not even THAT fully does. I always wonder...is he going to text me? Am I going to hear that little text ring? But I don't and that makes me more disappointed than if I didn't expect anything at all. How can I be this sensitive??! I am so mad at myself.

And the part I'm the angriest about is that I'm so insecure about myself, still. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he likes me and that I'm cute. But I simply get angry at him for not contacting me for 3 days (and that's not even it because he called me yesterday!), but I do NOTHING. I mean, I am part of this relationship as well so I could obviously call him to ask him to hang out, but I am so fucking insecure. WHY WHY WHYYYY?! Because I am afraid I will disrupt him and have to make him hang out with me when he is busy or drop what he's doing!! Like I've told him about my problem with that before and he put it so perfectly. He said that all of my actions are based on what life would be like if I didn't exist. And I remember him saying, "It's okay to have an effect on things!" And that touched me more than anyone could possibly ever imagine. I had done exactly as he had put it for so many years and it all became so clear to me the moment he put it into words. And though now I can clearly see what I do, I am still working on getting over it. Getting over the thought of my inexistence. That's what makes me angry. What makes me angry is the fact that I'm angry at him for not calling or texting even though I have the capacity to do the exact same.

I need him out of my brain. Out. Out. Out. I keep having dreams about him. Me and him. I want it to stop.

Friends. They are the most important thing to me. I've always known I am a good friend, but lately, there's so much tension in my group. And I want to be a good friend. I KNOW I can be one. Friends are so so important. No matter how much I say it, I just can't convey their importance. I've never known love for a guy or even my family as much as I love my friends. They are really like my second family. Is that the problem? My entire life revolves these people so much, will I ever be able to care for any one else as much as I care for them? I don't know.

Homecoming is tomorrow night and I'm so nervous and scared and apprehensive and a bunch of other emotions that I can't even define. It'll be fun, hopefully. But as the years go on, everything just seems to lose it's magic. Plus this is the first time I'm even going with someone else and the truth is, I really can't dance, and I know it. I pray for no awkwardness but I know that's wishful thinking.